Satire
All satire and humor pieces were written independently and do not represent the views of any employer.
Reductress (contributor, July 2023 – present)
How to Get Your Mom to Accept Your ADHD Diagnosis by Becoming a Small Unruly Boy
(article idea/headline)
“You May Feel a Little Pinch,” Says Gynecologist Revving Industrial Chainsaw
Woman Preserves Her Unpaid Medical Bills Like Correspondence From an 18th Century Lover
How to Finally Reach Inbox Zero by Getting Fired
Genius! This Woman Enrolled Herself in Doggie Daycare
I Lived It: I Did My Hair, But the Meeting Turned Out to Be Cameras-Off (article idea/headline)
Weird! Friend Says Her Aesthetic Is Just Wearing What She Likes
Goals! This Woman’s Anti-Aging Skincare Is So Good She Can Order Off the Kids’ Menu
12-Foot Home Depot Skeleton Repurposed Into Big Scary Santa
Phew! Friend Who Added Laughing Emoji to Crisis Texts Probably Fine
How I’m Treating My Seasonal Depression by Moving Into the Lamp Section at HomeGoods (article idea/headline)
Devastating! Thanksgiving Weed Cousin Now Turkey Trot 5K Cousin (article idea/headline)
“Eldest Daughter” Finally Added As Official Diagnosis in DSM-V
How to Get Your Rich Friend to Worry About Climate Change by Talking About Skiing
Why I Stopped Exfoliating My Feet and Started Hardening Them Into Weapons
Woman Downloading New Dating App Excited for Same Batch of Men in Slightly Different Format
Entire Therapy Session Spent Silently Debating Whether to Compliment Therapist’s New Haircut
QUIZ: Is This Hookup Worth Skipping a Night of Wearing Your Retainer? (article idea/headline)
Friend Who Booked Airbnb Group Reservation Becoming Too Powerful
Why I Stopped Doing Laundry and Just Hired a TV Crew to Put Censor Bars on Me
4 Guys You’ll Date in Your 20s Who Will Add You on LinkedIn in Your 30s (article idea/headline)
How to Enjoy Your Day Off Even Though Your Bedroom Is Also Your Office (article idea/headline)
Woman Shocked to Realize She’ll Be Late Again Despite Adding Whole Two-Minute Buffer
I Lived It: I Made Too Much for Dinner But Not Enough for Leftovers (article idea/headline)
How to Get Free Abstract Tattoos by Just Letting Your Cat Scratch You
Woman Enters “Are My Elementary School Teachers Dead by Now?” Stage of Insomnia
I LIVED IT: I Applied Sunscreen to My Back and Now My Arm Is Stuck There
Newest Tote Bag Crowned Holder of All Other Tote Bags
Relatable! Wifi “Unable to Find Connection”
Transparency! Swimsuit Company’s Size Chart Just Giant Question Mark
Finance Queen! This Woman Is Still Deep in Debt But Has Labeled File Folders Now
REPORT: Therapist Late Because She Has to Psych Herself Up to See You
Innovative! Shower With Broken Drain Doubles As Little Wading Pool
Woman Afraid to Commit to Big Piece of Art Hangs 27 Ugly Little Ones Instead
Stolen Valor? Woman Signs Card Even Though She Didn’t Contribute to Gift
Double Cleanse? Woman Cries Before Removing Her Makeup
The Belladonna Comedy
Daily Itinerary of Me, A Millennial City Resident, According to My Suburban Neighbors on NextDoor
Late-Pandemic Faculty Attire Choices, Decoded
Highlights From Our Company's Diversity and Inclusion Policy
Please Send Me Your IG Before Our Date So I Can Make Sure You’re Not a Pterodactyl
Why I Hired Ted Cruz As Our New VP of Marketing
People’s Responses When You Them You’re Vegan BINGO
Winston Churchill Quote or Taylor Swift Lyric?
The Hard Times (contributor, April 2022 – present)
Wow! We Showed a CD to This Gen Z-er and She Ate It Like a Donut
Frugal Festival Attendee Saves Money on Drugs by Hallucinating From Heatstroke
Fountain of Youth? This Woman Is 42 But Still Gets Paid Like She’s 27
Nation’s Boomer Parents Suggest “Just Picking Up the Phone and Calling” to Get Taylor Swift Tickets
Sadistic One-Hit Wonder Band Clearly Getting Off on Waiting Until Encore to Play Popular Song
Drone Metal Zumba Class Burns Four Calories
Costco Introduces Economy-Sized Guitar With 48 Strings
As Your Mayor, I Can’t Wait to Use Our New Marijuana Sales Tax Revenue to Give More Money to Cops
Audience at Beer Garden Show Approximately 60% Dogs
10 Acrylic Nail Designs That Say, “Yeah, I’ve Given Up on Trying to Play Guitar”
Every Rilo Kiley Album Ranked (*non-satire)
Plane Crash Survivor on Desert Island Shocked to Find His Five Favorite Albums Are There
5 Stages of Accepting Your Favorite Band’s New Album Sucks
Report: 72% of Designated “Jamming Spaces” in Basements Go Un-Jammed In Each Year
Aging Concertgoer Keeps Having That Nightmare Where He’s Naked and Also There Are Three Openers
Band Playing Underground Venue Draws Record Crowd Thanks to Tornado Warning
51 Indie Songs From the 2000s Ranked by How Much They Can Still Make Millennials Cry (*non-satire)
Woman Celebrates Labor Day With Six Extra Meetings the Next Day
Ticketmaster Adds Preemptive Heatstroke Treatment Fee to All Tickets
Punk Cat Keeps Leaving Dead Kennedys Merch on Owner’s Pillow
Genius! This Woman Had a Baby Just to Get Out of Going to Her Friends’ Shows
How to Buy a Vintage Jacket Without Thinking About the Soggy Used Tissues It Once Held
Mom Still Fretting That Friend From Band Message Board in 2005 Could Be a Serial Killer
Help! I Just Remembered My Karaoke Song Has That One Really High Note
The Next Stevie Nicks? I’m Wearing a Dress With Really Big Sleeves
Five Couples Costumes for Halloween That Also Kinda Work If You Break Up
Seven Items From This Venue You Can Steal During the Show for Last-Minute Holiday Gifts
GOLD Comedy
Stylish Tables to Accent Your Home and Flip in Rage
Slackjaw
Playing Hard to Get: Tips to Drive Your Therapist Wild and Subtly Show What You Want
Consumer Reports Puts Classic Love Songs to the Test
Reason Your College Is Calling for Alum Donations, Or Reason Your Cat Is Yelling?
Points in Case
U.S. Presidents Order at Starbucks (co-written with Emily Knapp)
I Am Your Houseplant and I Am Begging You to Leave Me Alone
No, Our Restaurant Was Not "Shut Down" – We Are Simply Pivoting
Awkward Hookup or Assembling an IKEA Dresser?
Funny-ish
We Cannot Allow Solar Panels in This Country Because Children Might Eat Them
Humor Darling
Cute Platform Heels for Mildly Catastrophic Subway Flooding
Greener Pastures
Rejected Greeting Cards for Other Events That Happen on January 6th
(co-written with Emily Knapp)
Explanations for High Gas Prices, Ranked From Most Plausible to Least Plausible
Classic Rock Songs Updated for Climate Change (co-written with Emily Knapp)
What Your Nickname for Bob Dylan Says About You
Little Old Lady Comedy
Thank You for Applying to Adopt a Cat From Kat Korner Shelter
Places I Would Rather Be Right Now Than on This Date
2 Ho Ho Ho’s
New Valentine's Day Bouquets for Modern Relationships
Quiz: Are You Tom Petty’s American Girl, Mitski’s Your Best American Girl, or an American Girl Doll?
Jesus Christ Answers Hinge Dating Profile Prompts
Additional Pieces
For Sale: 50,000 Pairs of Solar Eclipse Glasses, Never Worn
Olympians, Hypothetically Ranked by Name Rather Than Athletic Performance
Five Quick Recipes for a Super Cute Super Bowl Superspreader Party
An Updated RSVP From America for Your Fourth of July Party
Revised Nominees for Pantone’s 2019 Color of the Year
Education
The Second City’s Writing Satire for the Internet program (2020-2021)
The Second City’s Stand-Up Comedy program (in progress)